Writings from a Bipolar Mind
By C. Marguerite Seaman
I recently sent in three poems to Réapparition Journal in hope that they would be published; however, better news came out of it. They wanted me to write something for their blog site regarding my illness, bipolar disorder, and writing. The combination of these spells out: survival.
I will make several points on how I survive ‘the illness’ (Bipolar Disorder). The first point is that I gave up hope on my condition until a pen and paper were given to me to write what I was thinking. The second is, how I turned sorrow into hope through the written words on paper, and finally, I want to discuss why it is important to me to write every day. Now let us begin the journey into my mind, do not worry; the lights are on.
In 1993 I had a ‘nervous breakdown’ and was hospitalized because I overdosed on pills. I tried to end my life, but something happened; I asked for help. I did not want to die after all. Throughout the 1990’s and 2000’s I was hospitalized many times because of ‘the illness’ I tried several times to end my life, all resulting in trying to save my life at the end of the episodes. I guess I did not want to die, I had no hope in living a normal life, but what is normal?
I had twenty-five shock treatments that removed my childhood from my memory. I got some of it back, but some of it is still a mystery. During those times I remembered what my English instructor told me, “Write, write, write,” so I did. I wrote a lot to fill up two big totes, a desk, and a bookcase. All I did was write, the majority of it in my journal Short Thoughts for the Day– they are like poetry. They are my thoughts about how I feel about life. Many written thoughts that saved my life. I was given a new lease on life even though I was going through tough times in my young life, all because I wrote how I felt and why I felt it.
I turned depression into hope after many years of Short Thoughts for the Day, writing in journals, short stories, poetry, etc.…I tried to write positive words, but life snuck in and made me write other types of words. Hope came little by little until one day it was knocking on my door wanting to come in– it wanted to live with me. I kicked out depression, but it visits me often even though I try my best to ignore it.
I tried to ignore depression through words, but reality tells me that life is filled with challenges and depression is one of them. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make ‘the illness’ go away, but I cannot. I live with the thought of waking up and being depressed again because of bipolar disorder.
My moods are either manic or mania on days when I feel stressed, but my medication helps me control them. The written words that come from my pen or keyboard saves my life time after time. It saves my life by giving me hope that bipolar disorder is a controllable disease by writing how I feel on paper. Hope, I believe, is the key to a happy life when a person has a mental illness.
It is important to write everyday, either in short stories, poetry, Short Thoughts for the Day, or in journals. Writing frees my mind of junk; all that junk (bipolar symptoms) can be released into the open and written on paper.
I may not write about bipolar disorder all the time, but with each word I write, it releases another caged tiger. I want out of the cage my mind puts me in. I have hope that the cage will open and then I can run wild like a free animal. When I write I am out of my cage, I can breathe again.
If someone living with bipolar asked me for advice, I would tell them to find a hobby (writing, painting, sowing, stamps, etc.…) and do it to release all the ‘junk’ that comes with being bipolar. I want to make sure I got a point across about hope. Mental illness is not a death sentence or a dance in the park. Mental illness is a type of war. The war must be won by winning battles one by one, not all at once like we wish it could be. There is no shame in being bipolar or any other mental illness. Peace and love to you.
C. Marguerite Seaman.